


To Tear My Scales and Forget My Name

by Aimandfire



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood Loss, Blood and Injury, Depersonalization, Family, Gen, Isolation, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Mutilation, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:07:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27656584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aimandfire/pseuds/Aimandfire
Summary: No one had ever been in Remus's room before, and there was a very good reason for that. Something Janus finds out the hard way when he manages to get locked in, causing intrusive thoughts to flood his mind. Will he be saved before he does anything permanent, or will he be left to the mercy of Remus's room, where no one even knows he's there.(Remake of Claws and Scales)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 66





	To Tear My Scales and Forget My Name

It’s known that each side's room affects each other in odd ways, some more benign than others. Logan’s room is good for calming down but can make you feel off if you stay there too long. Patton’s room is pleasant and makes everyone feel happy and warm, though it can be hard to leave. Virgil’s room will make you feel anxious, though the more people there are the worse it can be. Roman’s room will fill each side with creativity, but it can be hard to ground them after.

However no ones sure how Janus’s room or Remus’s room would effect a different side. They were only recently accepted, and were still a bit secretive. The light sides didn’t mind, remembering how Virgil was when he was first accepted, so they all decided not to push any issues.

Though they did assume that the dark sides knew what each other's room did, which was partially true. Remus knew that Janus’s room made everyone speak in double, one of the most benign side effect, but Janus didn’t know what Remus’s room did. It locked automatically every time it was closed, and Janus simply didn’t ask.

Though that would all change when one day Janus left his room, only to find that Remus door was open. Janus paused at this, slightly concerned. Remus never left his door open.

He glanced inside to see that everything was in order. His room was a mess, which was expected, and there was no more blood than normal for Remus. He had a lumpy bed, an art desk, and a dresser. Above the dresser was a mirror where Janus saw his scale covered face. It was his most stunning feature and he took great pride in them. 

Janus shrugged as he went to close the door but paused when he noticed some photos on the art desk.

He walked in, instinctively closed the door behind him, and went to go see the photos. All of them were with Remus, and the rest of the sides. Sometimes it was only two sides, sometimes it was all of them, but no matter what they were all smiling. They looked so happy Janus couldn’t help but smile himself. Everyone seemed so genuine, so overjoyed, it made Janus heart hurt with pride.

Clearly Remus had some sort of project going on and Janus didn’t want to disturb that. Putting the photographs back on the table Janus turned to leave the room. He went to twist the knob, but frowned when it didn’t move. He tried again, and it still didn’t budge.

“Well that’s a stupid lock.” Janus mumbled as soon as he realized what was going on. Though he supposed it made sense for someone who could be as scatterbrained as Remus. An automatic lock. It was clever, but really inconvenient for Janus, who was now locked in.

He sighed, before deciding to just wait for Remus to return. He looked through the creative sides art and was rather impressed. Neither Remus nor Roman were willing to show off their art until they were 100% confident with it, and it was nice seeing a few of his less polished pieces.

Though Janus did have to admit the drawings were slightly disturbing. Guillotines, executions, fairy tale accurate fairies and mermaids, nothing he hadn't seen before in Remus’s work. Though this time it made him feel off. He was starting to imagine himself in the drawings, as the victim of every horrible thing in them.

Janus was starting to feel unease as he laid down on Remus’s lumpy bed. He was starting to get twitchy, his gloves and cape felt scratchy, which had never happened before. He threw them off and pitched them somewhere across the room, not even caring where they ended up.

How long had it been? Time didn’t really hold much meaning, but he was quite certain it had been a while since he was locked in here. Where was he? Did anyone even notice he was gone? Did anyone even care?

Janus started to pace as his thoughts slowly became darker and darker. Logically he knew Remus would have no idea he was there, but a quiet ‘what if’ crept up his mind. What if he did know? What if this was an experiment? What if Remus was angry?

Janus looked to the wide mirror above Remus’s dresser and gawked at his reflection. He looked mostly fine, but slightly disheveled and nervous. Though what was most concerning was the single white strand of hair that wasn’t there before. Janus twirtled it, noticing it felt the same the rest of his hair. It didn’t matter, that was the least of his concerns. What he was more worried about was the fact that he was still there, locked in Remus’s room.

What would happen if he didn’t get out? Would the others care? Would they prefer him locked away, never to be seen again?

Suddenly Janus felt ill. He grabbed the trash bin by the art dest and puked what little was in his stomach, some of the vomit getting on his shirt. When was the last time he ate or drank anything? He was thirsty, but didn’t have any water. How long had it been?

Janus tore his shirt off before curling up on the floor as he realized he wasn’t going to be rescued. Why would Remus ever let him out? Janus never did anything but hold him back, but lock him away from others. He justified it to himself as protecting everyone, including Remus, but that was a lie. He didn’t know why he would lie about that, but it was all he did and all he was. He was a liar. He was Deceit. That’s all he was, Deceit.

Deceit stood up as he thought about it even more. No one else knew where he was. Even if they did they couldn’t help, and even if they could, they wouldn’t. Deceit manipulated Roman, forcing his own agenda. Deceit isolated Logan, keeping him away from his friends. Deceit scared Patton, to the point of forcing the moral side to hurt Thomas merely to keep him away. 

And Virgil, who Deceit practically raised. He turned his own son away, sent him running to the arms of his enemies, merely for his own selfishness. Virgil knew the truth, something Deceit wouldn’t even admit to himself. Deceit was the source of all Thomas’s problems, of every bit of woe and agony that was forced into his life. It was all Deceit’s fault.

He finally looked in the mirror again, barely raising an eyebrow at the fact that now half of his hair was snow white, though he did note he looked more monstrous than before. His appearance didn’t change, but his inhuman features were now so much clearer. His skin was sickly pale, making the harsh yellow of his scales shine. His eye was so bright, so vivid and cruel looking. Everything about him looked wicked and evil, no wonder the light sides hated him.

Then he turned to the art desk and realized something horrible. He was in the photo’s. His monstrous presence was standing there along everyone else, held up as an equal. They were all smiling wicked and false smiles. Everything about it was a lie. They looked happy, but that couldn’t be the case. Deceit was beside them, next to them, polluting the scene, poisoning their family.

Deceit picked up a photograph with him, Remus and Logan. With a scream he tore it to pieces, destroying it.

Then his hands started to shake as he realized what he just did. Deceit wasn’t supposed to destroy the family, they were perfect. He was polluting them. He had to be removed, but couldn’t hurt anyone else. 

He rifled through them with wild abandon, throwing every photo with him on the ground and the others recklessly on the desk. He collapsed on the floor and started to tear himself out of them, ripping himself out of the family.

Each photo, each memory, was ruined by him. He tore holes in the papers, leaving them incomplete. A ruined photo was still better than having Deceit in them. Though he had to do this better. He was destroying them all, even his family. Didn’t he do enough of that in person.

A pair of sharp scissors glinted in the light, too big and too sharp to be considered normal. Deceit didn’t care as he grabbed them, quickly tearing through the last of the photo’s. The families smiling faces were preserved while all scraps of him were tossed in the corner, to be unseen and forgotten. It should have been like that the entire time. Why did he reveal himself to Thomas? Why was he so selfish, burdening others with his existence?

He stood up shakily, wishing he had a match. He needed to burn it all away, get rid of the memories and how he polluted them. Remus had to have a match, right? This was Remus he was talking about, of course there was a match.

He started to search the mess that was the top of Remus’s dresser, but couldn’t find what he was looking for. He was certain a match or lighter had to be somewhere, but Remus’s room was so messy it was impossible to find.

Deceit looked up and was hit with sudden terror when he saw his reflection. He looked mostly the same, except his hair was entirely white. Though only now did he notice how truly horrifying he was. Why was anyone ever scared of Remus when there was a literal monster that stood before them? Why have they not cast him into the deepest parts of the mindscape, where he would never be seen again.

His hands had sharp nails that looked more like claws, a perfect sign of his cruelty. His teeth were sharp, made only for cruel barbs and lies. His single narrow snake eye looked back at him with the hatred he deserved. The worst of all, was his face. His twisted and monstrous face covered in layers and layers of scales. Even before Thomas knew he existed he had to have known he was a monster. Or else it wouldn’t have been so plain on his face.

Deceit couldn’t stand looking at himself a second longer. With a cry he thrust a fist into the mirror, watching it shatter. It wasn’t enough, he could still see himself. He punched it again and again and again, till it was nothing more than shards stuck in his hands, coving them in blood.

The claws were still there. His teeth were still there. His single snake eye still stared, and his scales were still monstrous. He did nothing but cover the issue, fitting for Deceit.

There were still a few larger pieces of glass on the ground. Deceit grabbed one and pressed it against his face, and pulled up harshly, tearing his scales off.

He let out a feral scream at the harsh and stinging pain that exploded from his face. His blood covered scales were flung across the room. Despite the pain Deceit brought the glass to his face again and cut off even more scales off.

He repeated this again and again till the glass shattered and was flung from his hand. He let out a cry from both the pain and anguish felt in his heart.

The scales weren’t enough, they would never be enough. He would never get them all off. He couldn’t tear his teeth out either, and couldn’t exactly cut off his hands. But his eye, well there was only one. How much effort would it take to destroy?

He found another shard of glass on the ground and lifted it to his face. The mirror glinted in the light, blinding Deceit’s good eye. The last thing he was going to see with that singular, monstrous eye would be the weapon used to destroy it.

Then the door opened.

Deceit looked at the sudden light to see Remus staring in horrified shock, holding construction paper that he immediately dropped at the sight of Deceit. “Janus, put it down.” He demanded, his voice waving in terror.

“Who?” Deceit asked. Deceit was a monster, monsters didn’t have names. Why would someone give him a name? Did he give himself a name?

Remus paled “Drop the glass!” He yelled, his voice still quivering. Janus looked away, shook his head, and prepared to jam it in his eye.

Suddenly he was tacked to the ground and was pinned down easily. He tried to Push Remus all but the creative side wrapped his arms around the struggling side and wrenched him up. He tried to squirm and wiggle away but Remus’s arms were like a vice as he dragged Deceit into the hallway.

Remus’s hands were covered in blood. His room was drowned in it, and littered with Janus’s scales. Janus himself was trying to tear out of Remus’s arms to hurt himself, and he was worried Janus might actually succeed if he let go.

Remus didn’t know what to do. So he screamed.

He sounded like a dying man, which made all the light sides rush to the hallway immediately, only to stumble upon the scene and freeze at how horrible it was.

Janus was held firmly in Remus’s arms, half of his face scraped off and bleeding as he tried to escape. He was shirtless and his hands were ungloved and covered in glass shards, his expression one of shock. Remus’s door was wide open, revealing an even more horrific and bloody scene inside.

Remus was getting impatient, and Janus was starting to slip out of his arms. “Help me!” He demanded as he glared.

Roman immediately jumped into action, grabbing Janus’s shoulders and forcing him on the ground. Logan and Virgil jumped in, pinning his flaring arms down to stop him from hurting himself further.

“Janus. You’re safe. We are going to help you. You need to calm down.” Logan said firmly, trying to stay calm but obviously terrified.

Deceit gripped onto the name, using it as an anchor. “My name is Janus?” He mumbled, as he tried to get up from being pinned to the floor.

“What the Hell is in your room Remus?” Roman demanded, his rage covering his fear.

“Mostly just thoughts.” Remus said, causing everyone to stair at him, utterly horrified. “Look there's a reason I keep it locked, alright!” Remus defended as Janus whimpered softly.

“Wait, he did this all to himself?” Patton whispered horrified as he passed a first aid kit to Logan who quickly dug out the tweezers.

Janus saw this and started to panic. “No, stop, get off me get off me!” He demanded “Let me go let me go!” He screamed. 

No one was sure exactly what was going on inside his head, but Logan knew he needed to get the shards out or the wounds would get infected. He commanded Remus and Virgil to hold his arm down as he started to painstakingly remove each shard.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry! Let me go let me go! Please let me go!” Janus begged and cried as he tried to get away. The fear was clear in his voice as everyone felt there hearts twist from the usually proud and controlled side being so scared. “I’m almost finished, you have to let me finish! Please let me go! Please!”

“How long will the effects take to wear off?” Patton asked, unable to handle the fact that he wouldn’t help.

“I have no idea! This has literally never happened before. He didn’t even know his name until a few minutes ago so it’s probably gonna take awhile.” Remus yelled, still holding a whimpering Janus who was trying to get free.

Patton had had enough. He stormed over to Janus’s left side, grabbed his free hand, and started to speak gently.

“Hey kiddo, I know you're scared right now but it’s ok. I won’t let anyone hurt you, I promise, you’re family. I won’t let anyone hurt my family.” Patton promised, rubbing his hand in a comforting moment.

Janus looked at him in confusion, but was no longer paying attention to the others so Patton counted it as a win. “I’m family?” He mumbled softly.

Patton smiled and nodded. “That’s right kiddo, you’re family. We love you.” He reassured gently.

Janus’s eyes widened as he slowly realized what had happened, but only partially. “Remus! I broke his mirror! Oh no, oh no, oh no.” 

“Figured that out Jan” Remus responded sarcastically “We’re trying to get it out of your arms right now.”

“But you won’t be able to put it back together?” Janus responded in confusion.

“That is literally the least of our concerns right now!” Roman yelled, still holding him down.

Janus’s eyes widened. “The photos! The photos! Remus I’m so sorry, I tore them up! I’m so sorry!” He apologized, as Logan had started to relax after getting most of the shards out, but there were still a few left.

“How are you not in incredible pain from all this?” Virgil finally asked nervously.

Janus was suddenly hit with the full memories of what happened and started to cry out. “My scales! They’re gone! No no no! They’re gone they’re gone!” Tears started to drip down from his eyes as Patton tried to comfort him to no avail.

“It’s ok Janus, they'll probably be back. I’m sure something can be done, don’t worry. It’s ok it’s ok.” Patton said, but Janus was still crying.

“I’m finished!” Logan announced as he pulled out the last of the glass out and started to bandage up his arm.

Roman grabbed Janus’s face and pointed it up, forcing the deceitful side to look at him. “Janus, we can fix it. I promise. We’ll get them back, you’ll have your scales again. You’re going to be ok. But you need to calm down.”

Janus heard no lie in Roman’s voice, and he so desperately wanted to trust him that he just nodded and laid back down.

Logan, Virgil, and Remus pulled away, letting Janus’s arm go. He lifted it and waved it slowly in front of his face and Roman let him go nervously. He seemed calm, but a little out of it as his hand danced in front of his eyes.

Before anyone could stop him he pushed himself up to stand, before collapsing. Roman caught him before he hit the floor and cradled him in his arms.

“Jesus! He’s freezing!” Roman yelled in shock, holding him tight against his chest. Janus was indeed freezing, shivering even, but he didn’t feel it.

“It’s highly likely Janus is in some sort of shock.” Logan informed them “We should bring him to the living room and warm him up.” 

Roman carried him so gently that he fell asleep in his arms. By the time he got the couch he didn’t even want to put Janus down. He looked so fragile, so delicate. He was convinced that if he let go Janus would fall apart.

“Here you go.” Patton said, wrapping the deceitful side in a soft quilt. His face was pale and scared, with only a few scales left. There was blood covering half his face, and it was starting to dry. The sight made Roman sick.

Patton held up a damp washcloth and started to wipe the blood off. “There there” he cooed softly as he worked, careful not to snag any of the remaining scales. His face still looked awful, but far less bloody, and he looked somewhat peaceful in sleep.

“Where’s Remus at?” He asked, looking around and noticing that his twin was nowhere to be seen.

“Right here.” Remus said, oddly demure as he rose up. “Along with the blood, scales, and puke, I found these.” He held up all the photos of Janus alone. Some were torn to pieces, and some were ruined by blood, but most were preserved. “He cut himself out of all the photos. They’re ruined.”

“I’m so sorry Remus.” Patton reassured.

Remus shrugged “they were just copies but Janus is definitely fucked up by all this. There hasn’t been this much blood in my room since I thought mini chimera-hydras would make good pets.”

“Remus is right.” Logan stated “I’m not certain exactly what effects his room had on Janus, or what exactly happened, but this incident will be quite traumatizing for him. Especially with the loss of his scales-” 

“Actually we can fix that!” Remus chimed in. Roman finally put Janus on the couch, still sound asleep. Without explaining what they were doing both twins pressed their hands against Janus’s scared half. After a few seconds their hands started to glow, and Janus’s scales slowly started growing back, though they were slightly more golden than before. They pulled their hands away as Janus stirred slightly, though he didn’t wake up.

“The colors not quite right.” Roman tutted, worrying about how Janus would feel when he woke up.

“It’ll be ok kiddo. You did really well, I’m sure Janus will be happy to have his scales back.” Patton reassured, before looking down at the pictures of Janus. “Hey Remus, can I borrow those?”

Remus raised an eyebrow “sure, I wasn’t going to use them.” Patton thanked him before rushing to his room to get supplies. 

While he was gone Virgil spoke up. “I don’t really know what to do, but we should do something right? I mean we can’t just do nothing. We have no idea what state he’ll be in when he wakes up.” Virgil started to panic.

Logan rested a gentle hand on his shoulder “You are right, someone should be by his side until he wakes, at the very least to monitor him physically.”

“I’ll take the first shift!” Roman offered, his protective instincts swelling up. He used to imagine Janus as the villain, the foil to his heroism, but he learned that wasn’t the case. And now Janus was unconscious, covered in scars after tearing his face into pieces, the exact opposite of his old vision of Janus.

Everyone accepted this, but no one wanted to leave. They all sat in the living room, chatting softly as they glanced at Janus as color slowly started to return to his hair and the human side of his face. Even his scales were taking more of a yellowish tint, looking almost exactly like they did before.

It didn’t take long for Patton to return, an orange construction paper card in his hands. “I wanted to make something for him when he wakes up.” He explains “just to make sure he knows he belongs. I know he does, or at least did, but I feel like he might need a reminder after this.” Patton said awkwardly, holding the card out for everyone to sign.

It was stiff and well made. The inside had ‘You are famILY!’ written in it and Patton’s name scribbled, but what was most impressive was the heart on the front, made all from the smiling photos of Janus that he tore out in Remus’s room.

“Wow this is great Pat!” Roman said with pride.

Patton turned a little red “Really?” He asked.

“Yeah, this is great. I remember my own card, it cheered me right up.” Virgil said, causing Patton to beam.

After the card was signed it was tucked under the sleeping Janus’s arm as Patton joined the rest of the family in the living room, waiting for him to wake up.

For now they worried, and for now Janus was asleep. But when he woke up he would be warm, his scars would be covered, his scales would be back, and he would be reminded exactly how much he was loved until he started to believe it again.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a remake of my first story, Claws and Scales, https://archiveofourown.org/works/22601365 (Utterly horrible, there was no characterization and I didn't even spell Virgil's name correctly)
> 
> Please comment, if you have any ideas or anything you want me to write put it bellow.
> 
> If you follow me and are wondering why I'm posting so often the answer is I'm procrastinating. Anyway I hope you enjoy, and yes there will still be an update to I'm Guilty I Promise https://archiveofourown.org/works/26962000/chapters/65807263 on Monday.


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